Saturday, July 7, 2012

Life lived simply

A few years ago my life was so completely turned upside down and scattered to the four winds that I didn't know which way was up. Lost, confused, broken-hearted, and directionless, the only thing I knew with absolute certainty was that I didn't want to go back. And even that certainty wavered from time to time as I journeyed forward, forcing one confused foot in front of the other. But I persevered and kept my eyes focused forward on an unknown and unknowable future. Reminding myself daily that "motion in any direction is better than no motion at all". The memory of the pain still fresh enough in my mind to drive me on.

It wasn't the first time I'd "started over", but it was the first time I'd done it without a clearly defined goal in mind. Never before had I leapt out into the unknown without a plan, or a destination. To make matters worse, I did it without anything even remotely resembling a support system or network. Friend's I'd thought would be there, weren't. Income I expected to have, evaporated. Emotional support that I needed, was non-existant. I was alone, broke, and broken.

So I turned to the one thing that has always carried me through; my spirituality. I told myself this is my "40 days in the wilderness".....my cleansing.....my "hitting rock bottom" so I can start over and build a new life......  I realized the more I fought against the inevitable, the worse things became......so I learned to just go with the flow. I learned to let go and let God....and plunged deep into an abyss.

And then I learned what it really means to trust God.

I learned God will provide when I really believe it. I learned to accept whatever God sent; whether it was counting thousands of fish-hooks, running a chairlift, mowing campgrounds, or driving a school bus. I learned to accept loss as a necessity, even if I didn't know why. I learned to follow where I was led; even when I was led to closed doors.

I learned how to make decisions based on what *I* want instead of what everyone else thinks I should do. That was new for me. I'd spent my whole life considering everyone else; what they needed, what they wanted, what they thought was best, and who they wanted or expected me to be. Like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" I finally figured out how I like my eggs.

Having spent most of my life in isolation imposed on me by people I thought I could trust, I am proficient at being alone with myself. But I'd never been alone with myself without a constant feeling of walking on eggshells. So I had to learn how to be alone with myself all over again. I learned to wash dishes because they need to be washed, instead of because I don't want to get yelled at. I learned to rent movies on the basis of what I like, instead of spending an hour or more trying to guess at what might please someone else (who would never just tell me what they wanted to see). I learned to give myself permission to eat salad every day for a week if that's what I wanted to do. It was very strange to me to be able to do these things and not be punished for it.

I spent that first year just learning about myself, learning who I am. I spent the second year trying to figure out who I want to be. And I spent the third year learning it's okay to just be the person that deep down, I really am.

I am a simple person who has simple needs: shelter, heat, food, running water, a warm coat, transportation. I never had any ambition to be a successful business person or to earn lots of money or to have expensive things. All that was projected onto me by others; first my parents and their well-intentioned encouragement to "do well and be successful in life", later by partners who pressured me to earn more...so they didn't have to. And then there was the necessity of supporting my two children on my own. And of course, society is always right there urging us to "do better, earn more, buy more" or be a loser......

For the first time in my life, I could make my life, my way, and my way is simple.

I no longer buy things I don't need, with money I don't have, to impress people I don't even like. I no longer suffer through social gatherings I'd rather not attend. Gone are the days of enduring relationships with people who take more than they give. I have a simple job that I like; working with people who are real, not phony. I spend my evenings doing crafts and watching movies. When I'm tired I sleep, and in the morning I wake up with two little dogs who are always happy to see me, and accept my unconditional love without question or judgment.

I have learned to keep it simple and no longer lay awake pondering all the what if's, mights and maybes. I have learned that "enjoying the moment" isn't just for exceptional sunsets or nights of hoar-frost and fluffy snowflakes, but is a mantra for every moment of every day. I have learned that if people don't approve of my choices; that's okay. It's my life to live, not theirs. They get to be who they are, and I get to be who I am.

I have learned that happy is a choice and I can choose it with every choice I make. I have learned that it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes; I don't always have to be the strong one. I have learned to accept help from others; and not beat myself up for needing help. I have learned that sometimes people do come through for you, even when you think they won't. And I have learned that lonely alone is far better than lonely in a bad relationship with someone that turned out to be completely different than who I thought they were.

Monday, June 11, 2012

A Packrat's journey.....

I'm a packrat. I admit it. I'm one of those people who will save a 2' long piece of wood for decades...just because I might need it *someday*. I know this about myself, so I do make an effort to throw out the "junk" from time to time, and recently, I decided to do a major housecleaning.

I have an extra bedroom that has served as a storage room for 3 years that I now find I want to use for something else. The problem is, it's stacked floor to ceiling with rubbermaid totes full of who-knows-what. So a few days ago I started opening those totes and throwing away the junk and setting aside the useful bits for a rummage sale. So far I've managed to empty 4 totes and two boxes and set aside 5 totes and one box for resale, as well as fill 3 totes with odds and ends for my children (there comes a time when you really just have to GIVE them the kindergarten art projects you've been saving for them....My children are 27 and 22....It's time.)

As I sifted through boxes that contain things like the clothes iron I bought at a rummage sale for $2 before my eldest daughter was born, and diskettes for a word processor I threw out at least 15 years ago, I found myself strolling down memory lane and laughing alone here in my livingroom.

Last night I decided to tackle the tote full of old tax returns and legal documents. Returns dating from 1990 to 2008 were overdue to be thrown out. Since I've been self-employed most of my adult life, my returns are more than just the actual tax forms. There's also receipts....lots of them...and account book pages...and appointment books....and notebooks. It took over 10 hours to feed all that paper through the paper shredder...and the task was a journey.....

Each manilla envelope was like opening a diary, a record of one year of my life. It's surprising the memories that can be triggered by something as simple as a receipt. I found myself reliving the years of my life, recalling the places I've been, the things I've done, the people I've known....and the things people have done to me.

As I fed each piece of paper into the shredder it was like I was shredding my past. At times it felt like I was shredding myself. Sometimes I found myself hesitating....wanting to keep those little bits of evidence, as if I somehow need to be able to prove whatever event it represented. But I persevered and shredded all but the most important legal documents I may actually need someday; like divorce papers and birth certificates.

In the end, I stuffed 4 large garbage bags with shredded paper and hauled them out to the curb. As the garbage truck picked up those bags today, I felt a moment of sadness...and yet an odd sense of cleansing. It's as if by shredding all that paper I had somehow wiped out my past and put it all behind me in a way I never had before. I can no longer prove that I was once the proud owner of a 2 bedroom house on the Salmon River in Idaho. There are no more documents illustrating the success of some of my business endeavors....or the failure of others. I have cast out all evidence of the abuses I survived, and the legal battles I have fought. I even shredded the glowing "letters of recommendation" I have received from clients over the years. I threw it all out. And in doing so, I am surprised to discover a feeling of liberation.....like I have somehow freed myself from my own past.

Perhaps it's a coincidence this project came at a time when I have also been processing my way through some emotional difficulties that have been affecting my overall well-being for quite some time. But it doesn't feel like a coincidence. It just feels "right" in a way I can't explain. Like an unexpected labyrinth I must find my way through before I can move forward again....this time without the weight of the past dragging me down.

As I write these words there's a box sitting in front of my chair in the livingroom....waiting for me to journey through it's contents. I already know the box is full of old photographs, so I suppose I am procrastinating a bit....because I know those photos are going to trigger another trip down memory lane, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the feelings those pictures are sure to trigger......but I also know it's time and will get to it shortly.

I started this project with intent to turn a storage room into a workshop. I never expected it to become a cleansing....a step toward closing the door on my past so I can move forward into the future without baggage. It's time to let go of the person I once was and embrace the person I am becoming now.

I feel like I am about to step into a new life......and a new me.




Thursday, April 5, 2012

Things I wouldn't have known if.......



I wouldn't have known.....

...the real reason trucks need "runaway truck lanes" in the mountains.
....what "glad-hands" are.
.....how air brakes work, and why trucks have them.
......why snow-plows have so many different blades.

...........if I hadn't become a truck driver.

I wouldn't have known....

...the relationship between aperture and shutter speed and why that's important.
....what a color profile is.
.....how to create special effects "in-camera".
......why some pictures "don't turn out".

............if I hadn't become a photographer.

I wouldn't have known....

...how fragile the human ego is.
....how much fear affects choice making.
.....how much impact my words can have on another.
......how little impact my words can have on another.

..............if I hadn't become a teacher.

I wouldn't have known....

...the healing power of thought.
....the healing power of the body.
.....how intricately related our thoughts and feelings are to the well-being of our body.
......that sense of awe experienced when you can relieve someone's pain simply by touching them.

..............if I hadn't become a kinesiologist.

I wouldn't have known....

...the purity of God's Love.
....the Joy we are meant to have.
.....the true purpose of Free Will.
......the power of forgiveness.

............if I hadn't died and come back.

I wouldn't have known....

...what unconditional love really is.
....how to give love.
.....how to receive love.
......how easy it is to make a difference in the life of another.

...........if I'd never had animals in my life.

I wouldn't have known....

...why control never works.
....how to say "no".
.....when to say "no".
......why sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is "walk away".

.............if I hadn't married insecure control-freaks.

I wouldn't have known....

...real regret.
....the joy of self-expression.
.....the cruelty of society.
......the courage of Love.

...............if I hadn't met, and then lost, the only person who ever touched my soul.

I wouldn't have known....

...the excitement of discovery.
....the disappointment of failure.
.....the joy of love.
......the heartbreak of loss.

...........if I'd never had the courage to try.

I wouldn't have known...

...just how truly amazing this world is.
....how the things recorded in our mythology represent real events.
.....why I see some of the things I see.
......the parallels between spirituality and science.

..........if I had never studied physics.

I wouldn't have known....

...inner peace.
....appreciation for simplicity.
.....the value of the smallest gestures.
......the beauty of life.
.......how perspective dictates perception.

..........if I had never looked with an open mind and been willing to consider a point of view different than my own.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Return of the Warrior....

Couldn't figure out where she went...where's she's been these past few years...since I moved to this town....I had almost convinced myself she left when I stopped breathing in the recovery room after "minor surgery" 4 days after my arrival in this town; and had a spiritual experience.....or I thought perhaps she left because moving meant I shouldn't need her anymore...it was a mystery I just accepted.

But...she's back.....and I'm glad.

Never thought I'd be glad to have her back. Even though she can be extremely humerous, she does tend to make messes as she blasts through walls and chucks rocks at glass houses.....and I'm always the one stuck cleaning it all up and paying dearly for her shenanigans. Very few people understand, or even care, that my inner warrior only shows up when I've been pushed well beyond what anyone should have to tolerate.

But I have missed her....and now I know why.....she's my outrage.....she's the one who sticks up for me when I'm too soft-hearted to stick up for myself. She's the one that says "NO!" to any inherently wrong treatment I've been tolerating for a prolonged period of time. She's my courage and my clarity.

It actually makes me giggle when I think about some of the people I know reading the idea that I'm "too soft-hearted to stick up for myself"...but it's true. I'm an unnaturally understanding, tolerant, and forgiving person. I let a lot of things "roll-off" with a shrug and a smile. I don't freak-out about things that would have some people so riled up they completely forget everything they've ever believed about themselves being "kind" or "compassionate" or "a good Christian" or "forgiving" or whatever.

People can be really nasty about what I consider to be really dumb things.

I witnessed that again this week when a man in his 40's became completely unglued when another man in his 40's put his booted foot up on a chair that no one ever sits in while reading a newspaper because "what if there's grease on his boot and someone sits there later?". In about 1.7 seconds he progressed from "It bothers me that you have your foot on that chair" to personal attacks about what the other man's Mother had or hadn't taught him about "good conduct,"....while the rest of us scrambled to pick our chins up off the floor.

I was so flabbergasted I was actually speechless. All I could think was "Really? In a truck station where they provide the option of zip-up paper suits that cover your clothes from neck to ankles because that's the only way you can avoid getting greasy??? ........WOW."

Incidentally....I put on one of the white suits on Friday so I could grease the many zerks on my plow truck in preparation for the coming blizzard....and I admit I instantly had an almost overwhelming urge to also put on a welding helmet and go walk around downtown with a clipboard in hand: asking random people what "symptoms" they've been experiencing.....just for laughs....Yep, that would be my warrior.....

ANYWAY.....She's back....and she has a lot of unexpressed hurt and anger fueling her fire. So, fair warning to those of you who have grown accustomed to treating me badly and getting away with it.........do it now and I may fight back.






Sunday, February 19, 2012

Ahhhhh....quiet weekends....

Last week I decided that this weekend was MINE, all MINE. And I meant it. And for the most part, it has been....

Saturday: sleep in, then after a lazy morning sipping coffee and facebook chatting with a friend, I made one trip to the store for groceries and rented movies on my way home. The rest of the day was spent puttering at my workbench with movies playing in the background, while running laundry, and then topped it off with a spagetti feast and a movie-marathon in the recliner with my little dogs; who are always happy to cuddle.

Sunday: sleep in again, then coffee and email...discover a link for a spiritual seminar I was interested in listening to and had forgotten about, so I had that playing while I did some more jewelry tinkering. Then a brief visit from a friend, made some potato salad for my lunchbox this week, and more movie-watching while eating leftover spagetti. Then a great online chat session with my wonderful Jaci...how I do miss her...she talks about weird stuff, like Physics, with me....  :)

And tomorrow...it's a paid holiday so I get to stay home again...unless it snows and all my co-workers decline to work on a paid holiday so I actually get called-in instead. Which I would be happy to....I've been itching to play in the snowplow again. If not....I will cheerfully spend another day playing hermit in my little house.....

Hope everyone else has enjoyed this weekend as much as I have! :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Do I "Glow???"


I've been hearing that my whole life. But before I comment....first, some quotes....

"You are such a bright light, Sallie. Never let anyone put your light out."
H.S. Biology Teacher

"The first time I saw you I noticed you seemed to glow, like you had your own light that was shining from inside of you. It was very attractive. I wanted to know who you are." 
~Kelly

"I hired you because you have something, like a light....it's very attractive and that's good for business."
~Bob

"You have this light around you, like a bubble of energy or something. When you walk into a crowded room, everyone notices. I can just watch everyone's heads turn and I feel kinda proud knowing that you're with me."
~Andy

"Sallie looks younger than I remember, it's like she's glowing..."
~Anne
"She does that alot lately."
~Bjorn

"I don't know what it is about you, but I just want to tuck you in my pocket and keep you safe, like a precious treasure. You just glow."
~Vern

"I saw you over here by this tree, lost in thought, and your face was just glowing....I wanted to know what you're thinking about."
~Unknown man at an art festival

"I knew when you walked in the door that you weren't doing well today, because you weren't glowing like you usually do."
~Mike

"I looked back over my shoulder and your face was glowing. You were watching the geese flying over a field and you looked so serene....I wanted to be like you."
~Corrine

I know there's more, these are just the ones I remember. The last one was today.....and today it really caught my attention. I think because so many before came from men...and of course, I naturally assumed it was just a ploy....a line designed to sway me into accepting the invitation that usually followed. With Anne being the only exception...until today, when Corrine shared her thoughts of just yesterday; when she and I, along with 2 of the men we work with, were driving around in a truck looking for potholes to patch.

Corrine's comment was significant to me, partly because she's a woman, and partly because she was commenting on a moment when I was not interested in listening to my co-workers commenting unkindly about other co-workers who were not there to defend themselves, so I was looking out the window and had noticed the field we were passing was filled with hundreds of geese, with more flying in...and I was admiring their beauty in flight while my mind drifted across a myriad of topics....none of which were particularly significant....although I would say my emotions at that moment were a mixture of sadness and regret on the heels of yet another lonely Valentine's Day.

Beyond that, I was just "being in the moment" and admiring what was in front of me: Geese being geese.

The fact that I wasn't contemplating anything specific at that moment is the part that peaks my curiosity and causes me to reconsider all the comments of the past. Do I glow at certain moments? What is causing the glow? In the past I would have thought it had something to do with thoughts of a certain man, or memories of a special moment. I find it intriguing to discover that someone else would note that I was "glowing" at a time that was insignificant to me....it makes me wonder....Do I glow? And if I do......Why?

It reminds me of a dream I once had, in which Anne; who is quoted above, was in darkness and I perceived myself as being the only light in the room and she came and danced in my light and extended her arm toward me. I learned later that she had broken her arm that night.

Over the years I have met people who I would have described as "having their own light"....but I would not say they "glowed". The only time I've ever said that about anyone is when a friend was "in love" and exhibiting the glow that always appears when a person is basking in the excitement of "romantic love". So I find it intriguing that others may have been commenting on something they are actually seeing...that isn't always attached to my own experiencing of "romantic love".

I don't have any deeply insightful observations to share on the subject. I'm just sharing something that's rumbling through my brain tonight. A curiosity. A wondering....do I actually glow?

What a puzzlement.....




Sunday, February 12, 2012

I wonder....

uh-oh, here I go again...wondering about something. Okay, you got me...I never really stop wondering about things. I just switch subjects.

Sometimes I wonder about simple things......like why is green the color for "go" and red the color for "stop" on a traffic light? Who made that decision? Was there a vote? Was there any particular reason or was it just sorta random? It really isn't important to me to know the answer to that question...if it was I would just google it and find out. It's just one of those random things that floated across my mind one day.

And then there's the opposite extreme....when I wonder about very complicated things.....like how sub-atomic particles seem to blink in and out of existance....where do they go, and why? And y'know, that really isn't all that important either.....it's just a curiosity that fascinates me.....and in my own round-about way, has brought God more fully into my life than I ever would have imagined.

Then there's those things that fall somewhere in between. I wonder about people and why they do the things they do. And then I wonder if anyone ever wonders why I do the things *I* do? I find myself trying to "put myself in their shoes" in my efforts to understand them......and to try to see myself from their point of view.

I find that last part nearly impossible.

But I guess in the long run, that really doesn't matter all that much either.....because none of us ever really see the truth about another, we only see what we choose to see.....and what we are willing to see.

Which leads me to tonight's "I wonder..." question......I'm wondering what would motivate a person to hold onto hate toward another when feeling and being hateful feels so distressing? I'm referring to a current co-worker who actively and aggressively hates another co-worker....simply because someone else told him to.

 It captures my attention partly because it's so overt it can't be ignored....it affects the workplace environment....but also because I have been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment at various times in my life, so I see this as an opportunity to possibly gain some insight.

It is very difficult for me to relate to that kind of behavior because I've never been a grudge-holder. Even when I have what others would call "a valid reason" to hold a grudge....I don't. I can't. It just isn't in my nature. I'm one of those people who maintains friendships with my exs. I'm a forgiving person. A person can "wrong" me everyday for years and I will forgive them everyday for years. If it's a habitual thing for them, I just figure it's my own fault for chosing to stick around. I can make a different choice at anytime.

It is even more puzzling to me how a person can conjure up so much negative energy to project toward someone who has done them no wrong...simply because they were told to. Is it some kind of distorted loyalty thing? Like they think they are being a good friend if they hate their friend's enemy? Or do they just have such low self-esteem that hating someone, anyone, makes them feel better about themselves?

But how can hate feel good? I can't imagine that it does.....I watch my co-worker get himself all worked up in his hate and he sure doesn't look like he's enjoying the experience. So why does he choose it?

I have had my moments when I was so angry about something that I would strike out verbally with unkind and hateful words. It isn't something I'm proud of. In fact, it bothers me so much that I regret it deeply, almost immediately.....and quickly start looking for ways to "make it right"....because if I don't I will tear myself apart over it. Nobody needs to punish me...I do a good job of punishing myself.

So as I watch my co-worker express anger and hate toward another co-worker, all day....everyday....I find myself mystified...and wondering how he feels on the inside....which makes me wonder about other people I know...who harbor a grudge against me.....some, only because they were told to....and I wonder how they feel on the inside.....and what I imagine, makes me sad.......because hate, like love....is a choice. But it is their choice to make, not mine.

I can only choose my response.....

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Renewing an old Prayer

I originally posted this on April 24, 2010.....but somewhere along the way I lost sight of this dream, so I am renewing it again by reposting it today.....

See it, Believe it, LET it happen....

That used to be a favorite motto of mine, except I would say MAKE it happen. I've learned a valuable lesson though. Taking steps to achieve your goals is admirable, but you also need to let God do his work, LET things happen as he sees fit, because God knows more than we do. God knows what's best for us. We are fools to think we know God's Will for us, fools to think we know what is right or best. Fools to question or reject what God sends into our lives.

So, with that thought in mind, I am sending this out to the Universe, out to God, for him to fulfill or not, as he sees fit....

A cozy little house on a hill, overlooking water. The interior is warm and rustic; wood & stone. Functional, not fancy. It feels welcoming and homey.

The kitchen is efficient; just the right amount of counter-space and cupboards. Bright and cheerful. A sturdy wooden table with a checkered tablecloth. Daisies in a vase. Such happy flowers. The aroma of home-cooking. The kind of kitchen where it feels good to sit at the table with your hands wrapped around a warm mug, staring out the window on a rainy day with a quiet, peaceful mind. Contentment.

The livingroom is not so big you feel lost in it, not so small you feel closed-in. It has a fireplace or woodstove. The crackling of burning wood, friendly warmth. Rocking chairs for reading, a loveseat for cuddling while watching a movie. Braided rugs on the floor; handmade; not store-bought. Afghans on the chairs for chilly evenings. Bookshelves filled with books of all kinds. Hanging plants sending vines across the walls and ceiling. Incense burning.

Bedroom with a feather bed. Patchwork quilts. Skylight for sleeping under the stars or watching lightning play across the sky on a stormy night. Waking up in a warm sunbeam....

Guest room for the kids when they visit. An office for necessary work. Efficient and functional.

Outside there's a garden; fresh vegetables for cooking and canning. Garlic and Herbs. Colorful flowers along the house by day, Moon flowers that blossom at night. Mountains in the distance reflecting the colors of sunrise and sunset. An open-air porch with a table and chairs, for relaxing or eating outside on nice days. Wind-chimes with deep mellow tones....

A workshop for crafts and projects; pottery, metalsmithing, woodworking. It has wooden shutters that open wide to let the fresh air and sunshine in. Music playing. A happy, peaceful place to work.

Animals. Dogs to play and cuddle with. The comforting sound of chickens clucking. Fresh eggs. Maybe some livestock if there's room, but only enough for our needs, no more.

A kind and loving man to share it all with. One who will let me love him and who loves me too. A man who likes to come home to dinner on the table. A man who likes to share his thoughts and speculate about interesting things that really don't matter that much. A man who likes to give and receive back-rubs. A man who will hold me close while we watch a movie....or only part of it.... :)

A man who understands what it means to have "enough" and not need more than that. A man who understands that we work to live, not live to work. A man who understands it's foolish to get caught in the rat-race; pursuing things you can't take with you when you die....and understands that life is about experiencing and enjoying moments. A man who understands Love and connection is more important than money and social status.

A man who won't mind that it's important to me to always meet and part with a warm embrace. A man who wants a peaceful life with an occasional adventure, instead of a chaotic life with an occasional peaceful moment. A man who will laugh with me. A man who likes romantic surprises. A man who agrees that humor has it's place in a relationship. A man who can banter playfully with me, and enjoy it as much as I do.

A man who won't mind that I'm "different", who will accept without judgment, even if he doesn't understand it...or believe it. He will just "let me be me". I don't mind if he laughs at me, as long as he's not mean about it. I know I'm goofy. Heck, I laugh at me too. And I will accept and embrace him as he is, as well. Together, we can feel safe and loved as we are.

This is my oasis. This is my dream. I put it in God's hands.

Amen.

Facing the Tiger

Many years ago I was reading a book about Personality Types and how people deal with life. When the book addressed the issue of how people deal with problems and major life decisions an example was given in which people were divided into two basic types: Type A and type B.

The author described how if a person found themselves trapped in a tree with a ferocious tiger circling the bottom, Type A will stay in the tree; imagining all the horrible things that might happen if they were to climb down. Type A will starve to death while clinging to the imagined safety of the tree, paralyzed by their fears....while desperately hoping the tiger will just go away.

Type B will take their chances and just climb down and get it overwith; understanding that staying in the tree means certain death, while climbing down gives at least a small chance of survival. Type B pushes past their fears and takes action. Believing that it is better to try and fail, than to not try at all.

I am definitely Type B.

I have always been the person who will "go where angels fear to tread" simply because the unknown answer to the "what if?" question will drive me bonkers until I do. I need to know what would happen if I just try. Like the person who bravely faces the tiger and climbs down from the tree. And for the most part, the answer has usually been less awful than what I imagined it would be, and occasionally turns out to be much better than I expected.

This approach to life's difficulties has worked well for me...until a few years ago.....when I found myself faced with a situation in which "just jumping in with both feet" had the potential to do great harm to someone I care very deeply for, because "what the question was"...wasn't clear. And that created such a paradox for me, that I didn't know what to do. So I tried a different approach...an approach that was abnormally indirect for me and turned out to be all wrong......Damned if I do and damned if I don't, it was a lose-lose situation for me.

And now, here I am, years later.....trapped in a whirlpool of unanswered questions that blocks me from being able to find closure and move forward. And I don't know how to get answers to those questions. Even when the opportunity is there to just ask, my tongue is tied. The words won't come out.

For a long time I thought it was because it was just never the right time or place, but I've come to realize it's because I don't expect to get a truthful answer even if I do ask. I feel like everything I've said and done has been twisted and distorted into something ugly, despite my best efforts to demonstrate my good intentions. And I fear the answer I would be given would be the "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" version, instead of the truth....and that would only hurt me even more.

I have a good memory, too good probably. I can remember entire conversations; word for word, with body language and facial expressions. I have turned my brain inside-out in my quest for understanding and closure. But some things I just can't answer for myself, no matter how hard I try.

They say time heals all wounds. But, there is always an exception to every rule. Time has not healed this wound. My soul begs for answers I cannot provide and the wound in my heart still bleeds. I just don't let it show. So I send this out to you who knows who you are, in the hopes that perhaps someday, you will read it and find it in your heart to trust me enough to tell me the truth of your side of it all....from the very beginning....so that I might be able to find closure and move forward with my life.....just as you have moved forward with yours.