Sunday, January 15, 2012

Renewing an old Prayer

I originally posted this on April 24, 2010.....but somewhere along the way I lost sight of this dream, so I am renewing it again by reposting it today.....

See it, Believe it, LET it happen....

That used to be a favorite motto of mine, except I would say MAKE it happen. I've learned a valuable lesson though. Taking steps to achieve your goals is admirable, but you also need to let God do his work, LET things happen as he sees fit, because God knows more than we do. God knows what's best for us. We are fools to think we know God's Will for us, fools to think we know what is right or best. Fools to question or reject what God sends into our lives.

So, with that thought in mind, I am sending this out to the Universe, out to God, for him to fulfill or not, as he sees fit....

A cozy little house on a hill, overlooking water. The interior is warm and rustic; wood & stone. Functional, not fancy. It feels welcoming and homey.

The kitchen is efficient; just the right amount of counter-space and cupboards. Bright and cheerful. A sturdy wooden table with a checkered tablecloth. Daisies in a vase. Such happy flowers. The aroma of home-cooking. The kind of kitchen where it feels good to sit at the table with your hands wrapped around a warm mug, staring out the window on a rainy day with a quiet, peaceful mind. Contentment.

The livingroom is not so big you feel lost in it, not so small you feel closed-in. It has a fireplace or woodstove. The crackling of burning wood, friendly warmth. Rocking chairs for reading, a loveseat for cuddling while watching a movie. Braided rugs on the floor; handmade; not store-bought. Afghans on the chairs for chilly evenings. Bookshelves filled with books of all kinds. Hanging plants sending vines across the walls and ceiling. Incense burning.

Bedroom with a feather bed. Patchwork quilts. Skylight for sleeping under the stars or watching lightning play across the sky on a stormy night. Waking up in a warm sunbeam....

Guest room for the kids when they visit. An office for necessary work. Efficient and functional.

Outside there's a garden; fresh vegetables for cooking and canning. Garlic and Herbs. Colorful flowers along the house by day, Moon flowers that blossom at night. Mountains in the distance reflecting the colors of sunrise and sunset. An open-air porch with a table and chairs, for relaxing or eating outside on nice days. Wind-chimes with deep mellow tones....

A workshop for crafts and projects; pottery, metalsmithing, woodworking. It has wooden shutters that open wide to let the fresh air and sunshine in. Music playing. A happy, peaceful place to work.

Animals. Dogs to play and cuddle with. The comforting sound of chickens clucking. Fresh eggs. Maybe some livestock if there's room, but only enough for our needs, no more.

A kind and loving man to share it all with. One who will let me love him and who loves me too. A man who likes to come home to dinner on the table. A man who likes to share his thoughts and speculate about interesting things that really don't matter that much. A man who likes to give and receive back-rubs. A man who will hold me close while we watch a movie....or only part of it.... :)

A man who understands what it means to have "enough" and not need more than that. A man who understands that we work to live, not live to work. A man who understands it's foolish to get caught in the rat-race; pursuing things you can't take with you when you die....and understands that life is about experiencing and enjoying moments. A man who understands Love and connection is more important than money and social status.

A man who won't mind that it's important to me to always meet and part with a warm embrace. A man who wants a peaceful life with an occasional adventure, instead of a chaotic life with an occasional peaceful moment. A man who will laugh with me. A man who likes romantic surprises. A man who agrees that humor has it's place in a relationship. A man who can banter playfully with me, and enjoy it as much as I do.

A man who won't mind that I'm "different", who will accept without judgment, even if he doesn't understand it...or believe it. He will just "let me be me". I don't mind if he laughs at me, as long as he's not mean about it. I know I'm goofy. Heck, I laugh at me too. And I will accept and embrace him as he is, as well. Together, we can feel safe and loved as we are.

This is my oasis. This is my dream. I put it in God's hands.


Facing the Tiger

Many years ago I was reading a book about Personality Types and how people deal with life. When the book addressed the issue of how people deal with problems and major life decisions an example was given in which people were divided into two basic types: Type A and type B.

The author described how if a person found themselves trapped in a tree with a ferocious tiger circling the bottom, Type A will stay in the tree; imagining all the horrible things that might happen if they were to climb down. Type A will starve to death while clinging to the imagined safety of the tree, paralyzed by their fears....while desperately hoping the tiger will just go away.

Type B will take their chances and just climb down and get it overwith; understanding that staying in the tree means certain death, while climbing down gives at least a small chance of survival. Type B pushes past their fears and takes action. Believing that it is better to try and fail, than to not try at all.

I am definitely Type B.

I have always been the person who will "go where angels fear to tread" simply because the unknown answer to the "what if?" question will drive me bonkers until I do. I need to know what would happen if I just try. Like the person who bravely faces the tiger and climbs down from the tree. And for the most part, the answer has usually been less awful than what I imagined it would be, and occasionally turns out to be much better than I expected.

This approach to life's difficulties has worked well for me...until a few years ago.....when I found myself faced with a situation in which "just jumping in with both feet" had the potential to do great harm to someone I care very deeply for, because "what the question was"...wasn't clear. And that created such a paradox for me, that I didn't know what to do. So I tried a different approach that was abnormally indirect for me and turned out to be all wrong......Damned if I do and damned if I don't, it was a lose-lose situation for me.

And now, here I am, years later.....trapped in a whirlpool of unanswered questions that blocks me from being able to find closure and move forward. And I don't know how to get answers to those questions. Even when the opportunity is there to just ask, my tongue is tied. The words won't come out.

For a long time I thought it was because it was just never the right time or place, but I've come to realize it's because I don't expect to get a truthful answer even if I do ask. I feel like everything I've said and done has been twisted and distorted into something ugly, despite my best efforts to demonstrate my good intentions. And I fear the answer I would be given would be the "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" version, instead of the truth....and that would only hurt me even more.

I have a good memory, too good probably. I can remember entire conversations; word for word, with body language and facial expressions. I have turned my brain inside-out in my quest for understanding and closure. But some things I just can't answer for myself, no matter how hard I try.

They say time heals all wounds. But, there is always an exception to every rule. Time has not healed this wound. My soul begs for answers I cannot provide and the wound in my heart still bleeds. I just don't let it show. So I send this out to you who knows who you are, in the hopes that perhaps someday, you will read it and find it in your heart to trust me enough to tell me the truth of your side of it all....from the very that I might be able to find closure and move forward with my life.....just as you have moved forward with yours.