Saturday, February 25, 2012

Return of the Warrior....

Couldn't figure out where she went...where's she's been these past few years...since I moved to this town....I had almost convinced myself she left when I stopped breathing in the recovery room after "minor surgery" 4 days after my arrival in this town; and had a spiritual experience.....or I thought perhaps she left because moving meant I shouldn't need her was a mystery I just accepted.

But...she's back.....and I'm glad.

Never thought I'd be glad to have her back. Even though she can be extremely humerous, she does tend to make messes as she blasts through walls and chucks rocks at glass houses.....and I'm always the one stuck cleaning it all up and paying dearly for her shenanigans. Very few people understand, or even care, that my inner warrior only shows up when I've been pushed well beyond what anyone should have to tolerate.

But I have missed her....and now I know why.....she's my outrage.....she's the one who sticks up for me when I'm too soft-hearted to stick up for myself. She's the one that says "NO!" to any inherently wrong treatment I've been tolerating for a prolonged period of time. She's my courage and my clarity.

It actually makes me giggle when I think about some of the people I know reading the idea that I'm "too soft-hearted to stick up for myself"...but it's true. I'm an unnaturally understanding, tolerant, and forgiving person. I let a lot of things "roll-off" with a shrug and a smile. I don't freak-out about things that would have some people so riled up they completely forget everything they've ever believed about themselves being "kind" or "compassionate" or "a good Christian" or "forgiving" or whatever.

People can be really nasty about what I consider to be really dumb things.

I witnessed that again this week when a man in his 40's became completely unglued when another man in his 40's put his booted foot up on a chair that no one ever sits in while reading a newspaper because "what if there's grease on his boot and someone sits there later?". In about 1.7 seconds he progressed from "It bothers me that you have your foot on that chair" to personal attacks about what the other man's Mother had or hadn't taught him about "good conduct,"....while the rest of us scrambled to pick our chins up off the floor.

I was so flabbergasted I was actually speechless. All I could think was "Really? In a truck station where they provide the option of zip-up paper suits that cover your clothes from neck to ankles because that's the only way you can avoid getting greasy??? ........WOW."

Incidentally....I put on one of the white suits on Friday so I could grease the many zerks on my plow truck in preparation for the coming blizzard....and I admit I instantly had an almost overwhelming urge to also put on a welding helmet and go walk around downtown with a clipboard in hand: asking random people what "symptoms" they've been experiencing.....just for laughs....Yep, that would be my warrior.....

ANYWAY.....She's back....and she has a lot of unexpressed hurt and anger fueling her fire. So, fair warning to those of you who have grown accustomed to treating me badly and getting away with it now and I may fight back.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Ahhhhh....quiet weekends....

Last week I decided that this weekend was MINE, all MINE. And I meant it. And for the most part, it has been....

Saturday: sleep in, then after a lazy morning sipping coffee and facebook chatting with a friend, I made one trip to the store for groceries and rented movies on my way home. The rest of the day was spent puttering at my workbench with movies playing in the background, while running laundry, and then topped it off with a spagetti feast and a movie-marathon in the recliner with my little dogs; who are always happy to cuddle.

Sunday: sleep in again, then coffee and a link for a spiritual seminar I was interested in listening to and had forgotten about, so I had that playing while I did some more jewelry tinkering. Then a brief visit from a friend, made some potato salad for my lunchbox this week, and more movie-watching while eating leftover spagetti. Then a great online chat session with my wonderful I do miss her...she talks about weird stuff, like Physics, with me....  :)

And's a paid holiday so I get to stay home again...unless it snows and all my co-workers decline to work on a paid holiday so I actually get called-in instead. Which I would be happy to....I've been itching to play in the snowplow again. If not....I will cheerfully spend another day playing hermit in my little house.....

Hope everyone else has enjoyed this weekend as much as I have! :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Do I "Glow???"

I've been hearing that my whole life. But before I comment....first, some quotes....

"You are such a bright light, Sallie. Never let anyone put your light out."
H.S. Biology Teacher

"The first time I saw you I noticed you seemed to glow, like you had your own light that was shining from inside of you. It was very attractive. I wanted to know who you are." 

"I hired you because you have something, like a's very attractive and that's good for business."

"You have this light around you, like a bubble of energy or something. When you walk into a crowded room, everyone notices. I can just watch everyone's heads turn and I feel kinda proud knowing that you're with me."

"Sallie looks younger than I remember, it's like she's glowing..."
"She does that alot lately."

"I don't know what it is about you, but I just want to tuck you in my pocket and keep you safe, like a precious treasure. You just glow."

"I saw you over here by this tree, lost in thought, and your face was just glowing....I wanted to know what you're thinking about."
~Unknown man at an art festival

"I knew when you walked in the door that you weren't doing well today, because you weren't glowing like you usually do."

"I looked back over my shoulder and your face was glowing. You were watching the geese flying over a field and you looked so serene....I wanted to be like you."

I know there's more, these are just the ones I remember. The last one was today.....and today it really caught my attention. I think because so many before came from men...and of course, I naturally assumed it was just a ploy....a line designed to sway me into accepting the invitation that usually followed. With Anne being the only exception...until today, when Corrine shared her thoughts of just yesterday; when she and I, along with 2 of the men we work with, were driving around in a truck looking for potholes to patch.

Corrine's comment was significant to me, partly because she's a woman, and partly because she was commenting on a moment when I was not interested in listening to my co-workers commenting unkindly about other co-workers who were not there to defend themselves, so I was looking out the window and had noticed the field we were passing was filled with hundreds of geese, with more flying in...and I was admiring their beauty in flight while my mind drifted across a myriad of topics....none of which were particularly significant....although I would say my emotions at that moment were a mixture of sadness and regret on the heels of yet another lonely Valentine's Day.

Beyond that, I was just "being in the moment" and admiring what was in front of me: Geese being geese.

The fact that I wasn't contemplating anything specific at that moment is the part that peaks my curiosity and causes me to reconsider all the comments of the past. Do I glow at certain moments? What is causing the glow? In the past I would have thought it had something to do with thoughts of a certain man, or memories of a special moment. I find it intriguing to discover that someone else would note that I was "glowing" at a time that was insignificant to makes me wonder....Do I glow? And if I do......Why?

It reminds me of a dream I once had, in which Anne; who is quoted above, was in darkness and I perceived myself as being the only light in the room and she came and danced in my light and extended her arm toward me. I learned later that she had broken her arm that night.

Over the years I have met people who I would have described as "having their own light"....but I would not say they "glowed". The only time I've ever said that about anyone is when a friend was "in love" and exhibiting the glow that always appears when a person is basking in the excitement of "romantic love". So I find it intriguing that others may have been commenting on something they are actually seeing...that isn't always attached to my own experiencing of "romantic love".

I don't have any deeply insightful observations to share on the subject. I'm just sharing something that's rumbling through my brain tonight. A curiosity. A I actually glow?

What a puzzlement.....

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I wonder....

uh-oh, here I go again...wondering about something. Okay, you got me...I never really stop wondering about things. I just switch subjects.

Sometimes I wonder about simple why is green the color for "go" and red the color for "stop" on a traffic light? Who made that decision? Was there a vote? Was there any particular reason or was it just sorta random? It really isn't important to me to know the answer to that question...if it was I would just google it and find out. It's just one of those random things that floated across my mind one day.

And then there's the opposite extreme....when I wonder about very complicated how sub-atomic particles seem to blink in and out of existance....where do they go, and why? And y'know, that really isn't all that important's just a curiosity that fascinates me.....and in my own round-about way, has brought God more fully into my life than I ever would have imagined.

Then there's those things that fall somewhere in between. I wonder about people and why they do the things they do. And then I wonder if anyone ever wonders why I do the things *I* do? I find myself trying to "put myself in their shoes" in my efforts to understand them......and to try to see myself from their point of view.

I find that last part nearly impossible.

But I guess in the long run, that really doesn't matter all that much either.....because none of us ever really see the truth about another, we only see what we choose to see.....and what we are willing to see.

Which leads me to tonight's "I wonder..." question......I'm wondering what would motivate a person to hold onto hate toward another when feeling and being hateful feels so distressing? I'm referring to a current co-worker who actively and aggressively hates another co-worker....simply because someone else told him to.

 It captures my attention partly because it's so overt it can't be affects the workplace environment....but also because I have been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment at various times in my life, so I see this as an opportunity to possibly gain some insight.

It is very difficult for me to relate to that kind of behavior because I've never been a grudge-holder. Even when I have what others would call "a valid reason" to hold a grudge....I don't. I can't. It just isn't in my nature. I'm one of those people who maintains friendships with my exs. I'm a forgiving person. A person can "wrong" me everyday for years and I will forgive them everyday for years. If it's a habitual thing for them, I just figure it's my own fault for chosing to stick around. I can make a different choice at anytime.

It is even more puzzling to me how a person can conjure up so much negative energy to project toward someone who has done them no wrong...simply because they were told to. Is it some kind of distorted loyalty thing? Like they think they are being a good friend if they hate their friend's enemy? Or do they just have such low self-esteem that hating someone, anyone, makes them feel better about themselves?

But how can hate feel good? I can't imagine that it does.....I watch my co-worker get himself all worked up in his hate and he sure doesn't look like he's enjoying the experience. So why does he choose it?

I have had my moments when I was so angry about something that I would strike out verbally with unkind and hateful words. It isn't something I'm proud of. In fact, it bothers me so much that I regret it deeply, almost immediately.....and quickly start looking for ways to "make it right"....because if I don't I will tear myself apart over it. Nobody needs to punish me...I do a good job of punishing myself.

So as I watch my co-worker express anger and hate toward another co-worker, all day....everyday....I find myself mystified...and wondering how he feels on the inside....which makes me wonder about other people I know...who harbor a grudge against me.....some, only because they were told to....and I wonder how they feel on the inside.....and what I imagine, makes me sad.......because hate, like a choice. But it is their choice to make, not mine.

I can only choose my response.....