Sunday, February 12, 2012

I wonder....

uh-oh, here I go again...wondering about something. Okay, you got me...I never really stop wondering about things. I just switch subjects.

Sometimes I wonder about simple things......like why is green the color for "go" and red the color for "stop" on a traffic light? Who made that decision? Was there a vote? Was there any particular reason or was it just sorta random? It really isn't important to me to know the answer to that question...if it was I would just google it and find out. It's just one of those random things that floated across my mind one day.

And then there's the opposite extreme....when I wonder about very complicated things.....like how sub-atomic particles seem to blink in and out of existance....where do they go, and why? And y'know, that really isn't all that important either.....it's just a curiosity that fascinates me.....and in my own round-about way, has brought God more fully into my life than I ever would have imagined.

Then there's those things that fall somewhere in between. I wonder about people and why they do the things they do. And then I wonder if anyone ever wonders why I do the things *I* do? I find myself trying to "put myself in their shoes" in my efforts to understand them......and to try to see myself from their point of view.

I find that last part nearly impossible.

But I guess in the long run, that really doesn't matter all that much either.....because none of us ever really see the truth about another, we only see what we choose to see.....and what we are willing to see.

Which leads me to tonight's "I wonder..." question......I'm wondering what would motivate a person to hold onto hate toward another when feeling and being hateful feels so distressing? I'm referring to a current co-worker who actively and aggressively hates another co-worker....simply because someone else told him to.

 It captures my attention partly because it's so overt it can't be ignored....it affects the workplace environment....but also because I have been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment at various times in my life, so I see this as an opportunity to possibly gain some insight.

It is very difficult for me to relate to that kind of behavior because I've never been a grudge-holder. Even when I have what others would call "a valid reason" to hold a grudge....I don't. I can't. It just isn't in my nature. I'm one of those people who maintains friendships with my exs. I'm a forgiving person. A person can "wrong" me everyday for years and I will forgive them everyday for years. If it's a habitual thing for them, I just figure it's my own fault for chosing to stick around. I can make a different choice at anytime.

It is even more puzzling to me how a person can conjure up so much negative energy to project toward someone who has done them no wrong...simply because they were told to. Is it some kind of distorted loyalty thing? Like they think they are being a good friend if they hate their friend's enemy? Or do they just have such low self-esteem that hating someone, anyone, makes them feel better about themselves?

But how can hate feel good? I can't imagine that it does.....I watch my co-worker get himself all worked up in his hate and he sure doesn't look like he's enjoying the experience. So why does he choose it?

I have had my moments when I was so angry about something that I would strike out verbally with unkind and hateful words. It isn't something I'm proud of. In fact, it bothers me so much that I regret it deeply, almost immediately.....and quickly start looking for ways to "make it right"....because if I don't I will tear myself apart over it. Nobody needs to punish me...I do a good job of punishing myself.

So as I watch my co-worker express anger and hate toward another co-worker, all day....everyday....I find myself mystified...and wondering how he feels on the inside....which makes me wonder about other people I know...who harbor a grudge against me.....some, only because they were told to....and I wonder how they feel on the inside.....and what I imagine, makes me sad.......because hate, like love....is a choice. But it is their choice to make, not mine.

I can only choose my response.....