Tuesday, January 1, 2013


Well, here it is again...that annual tradition of celebrating the return of our planet to it's imaginary "starting point" in it's orbit around the sun. Hm, I wonder how that starting point was chosen?

December 21st came and went uneventfully, although I regret that night was overcast; so I was unable to admire the Great Rift of the Milky Way Galaxy at the moment of the Galactic Alignment as I had intended.

2012 has been a full and eventful year. I learned alot about life, people, and myself this year.

I tried very hard to put a peaceful end to a very painful chapter of my life, and while my efforts to offer kindness and uncensored truth were blocked, I did find what I think is likely to be the closest thing to "closure" I'm going to achieve. So that's a good thing.

Once again I learned that my body is far more durable than I ever would have guessed, but I think I'm really tired of discovering that.

A year ago I set an employment goal for myself and I did achieve it. But now that I have it, I find my mind drifting away to thoughts of school yet again. I've even caught myself researching academic programs a few times.

What AM I thinking???

There's still no one "special" in my life. That was another one of those New Year's resolutions I set for 2012: to open up to the possibility. Which I did. More or less. And the second I cracked open the door of possibilities; in rushed a stampede of jerks, losers, and perverts. I congratulate myself for FINALLY being able to recognize and reject them quickly and efficiently, instead of my usual overly-kind tendency to "give 'em a chance".....On the upside, I have a renewed appreciation for the peaceful predictability of my aloneness.

2012 is the year I shut the father of my children permanently out of my life. I had been maintaining what I *thought* was a polite friendship based on a lifetime of "history" together that made it seem like "the right thing to do". But this year I discovered that even from a distance...he's bad for me. We now have zero contact, and for once, I don't feel sad about it.

It is not unusual for me to endlessly ponder the cosmos, divinity, philosophy, and life in general. In fact, the meanderings of my mind have provided ample self-entertainment for most of my life. But in 2012 I found myself torn between becoming my own version of a "social activist" and "just setting it all permanently aside" as a futile and useless activity.

I became far more interested in the political scene than I've ever been in the past. I made it a personal goal to not only actively look for opportunities to extend random acts of kindness; but to also inspire others to do the same. I feel there's an urgent need for people in our society to "wake up" from the materialistic lie they've been living.

Yet, at the same time, I find myself much quicker to withdraw from people, instead of my usual tendency to "hang in there with them until we can sort it out". There's a part of me that feels compelled to help people "see with different eyes".....while another part of me just wants to hole up in a secluded cabin and live out my days quietly disconnected.

Those who know me well, know I'm a big believer in "the inner voice of the soul". I've made many major life decisions based on the urgings of that inner voice. But in 2012 that voice has been more of a whisper than a shout, and I find myself unclear about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I feel that my own hesitation caused me to miss an important turn on the road of life and instead I detoured off into the realm of limbo.

Perhaps I will find my way again in 2013.....