Saturday, November 16, 2013

Life Paths....

As some of you know, a few months ago I wrote and published my life story. The completion of that project had some unexpected outcomes....

When I undertook the project I was merely listening to that little voice in my head that no one wants to believe exists. That voice said, "It's time to write your life story." I said, "Okay," and did it. At the time, I didn't understand why now was the time. I just trusted my inner guidance system and spent my entire summer staring at a computer monitor, pouring out some of the most private and difficult, and yet educational, moments of my life. I know now that the time was right because I was ready to heal old wounds.

It was a painful journey, but it was also an enlightening journey. Writing about your own life forces you to step back and adopt a level of objectivity you've never exercised before. When you are writing about events that involve other people, you know you had better get it right, or else.

I started the story with my earliest childhood memory and then wrote whatever came to mind, in the order it came to mind, and the words flowed easily until I reached a chapter of my life that had been confusing me for a very long time. The flow of words stopped. Gone was the easy reiteration of life events as familiar as the back of my hand; because this part of my life was a giant unanswered question, a puzzle, an unresolved nightmare that held me in a choke-hold I'd been powerless to break.

For days I struggled against writer's block. Turning the memories over in my mind, like a giant Rubix cube with thousands of possible combinations, searching for the "correct" arrangement that would most accurately, and truthfully, portray the reality. While I waited for the words to come, I reread what I had already written; correcting punctuation and sentence structure to the best of my ability, until I was reminded that I am a dreamer. Many of my most enlightening epiphanies have come to me in dreams. So, I asked God to guide me in a dream, to help me find my way through this most difficult part of my story, and then I went to bed with trust in my heart....

Around 2 a.m. I awoke. Sorta. Words banged around in my head in a chaos of piercing noise that didn't make sense, yet I felt compelled to write them down. So, I stumbled out to my desk and began typing, and I didn't stop for nearly 6 hours, and then I returned to bed....still every bit as groggy as I'd been when I'd begun. When I awoke again, I didn't have a clue what I had written and it would be weeks before I could find the courage to read it, but when I finally was perfect. I left those chapters of my book unaltered....unedited....unchanged.... It was right exactly as it was.

I continued to write and the words flowed easily again, completing the project just in time to return to work. My entire summer was gone and I hadn't done any of the projects I'd originally had planned. I'd had a long list of fun activities planned for my summer, but instead I had scarcely left my house; except to get groceries or walk my dogs. Knowing it would be months before I had another chance to look at the book, I published it as it was; taking a giant, and terrifying, leap of faith.

In the weeks that followed my world changed. It was a tangible sensation; as if I could feel the energy of my world rearranging itself in preparation for a new beginning. It was as if I'd wrapped up the wounds of my past and sent them out to the Universe for healing.....and liberated myself in the process.

If not for the profound sensation of inner peace and joy, I might have been very upset as I watched people who had been a part of my life for decades, leave my life abruptly, as if to make room for those yet to come. A work situation that had been troubling me deeply, seemed to magically resolve itself in the most efficient manner imaginable. And Love seemed to flow into my life from unexpected places with such intensity I was overwhelmed and amazed. Like chess pieces on the game board of my life, players came and went with such efficiency it was easy to sit back and just go with the flow, waiting for the final arrangement with a zest for life I had not felt in a very, very long time.

Gradually, I became accustomed to the ebb and flow of changes occurring in my life; long time friends leaving, lost friends returning, my work situations reorganizing in beneficial ways. Even total strangers approaching to offer positive reinforcement and affirmation of changes I'd been making in myself, for myself.

And now I feel posed on the brink of a new beginning. Prepped and ready for something as yet unidentified, but I know it's going to be something good. It's a challenge at times, to wait patiently, because I am excited to start the new life I can sense just around the corner. But I will be patient and let myself be guided to my right place when the time is right, because my life's journey has taught me that God is always with matter what.