Saturday, June 15, 2013

Dressing for the life I want.....

There's an old saying that you need to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. It's meant to hint to people that if you have aspirations for a promotion, you need to conduct yourself as if you already have that promotion. I've recently adapted that sentiment to suit my own goals.

I am dressing for the life I want, instead of the life I have.

Only a handful of people currently know this, but I have been writing my life story. It's a project many have suggested I undertake over the years, and somewhere in the back of my mind I've always known I was just never the right time. I would sit down to write, but the words would not come. I wasn't ready.

It appears that now, with a 2 month break between jobs; the time is right and I am ready, because when I sit down to write, the words flow easily. Shockingly easily. And the process is proving to be a very healing and enlightening journey. I'm recovering memories that have been blocked out for decades and understanding myself in new ways. And I am finding the wounded pieces of myself that were lost in the chaos of my life.

One really big piece of myself that was lost decades ago in the midst of my struggle for survival; was my femininity. That part of myself was soft and vulnerable and easily wounded; there was no room for her in my reality. While others were thinking a struggle for survival meant working extra hours to pay for satellite TV........for me it meant bathing my children in an irrigation ditch and then shooting a squirrel so they could have dinner. There was no room for frills and lace and pretty dresses in that life. And being sensitive was only opening myself up to pain. I have a tender heart.

So I put a protective shield around my heart and set aside my feminine side to enable myself to survive in a harsh world. Having grown up as a tom-boy and "Daddy's girl", it was not difficult for me to take on a masculine role in my own life. In many ways, it was easier, and I probably would not have survived if I hadn't  had that ability.

But I'm not living in that world anymore, and it's time for a change.

So I am dressing for the life I want, and the life I want has room for my feminine side. I've grown my hair long and added some pretty dresses and feminine tops to my wardrobe. I'm creating jewelry that suits my own unique sense of style and expressing my inner self through my attire.

For the first time in years, I feel like "myself" and no one is mistakenly calling me "Sir" or "Young man" anymore. Men are opening doors for me and calling me "Ma'am" and trying to flirt with me at the grocery store. I've even been whistled at a few times. And I'm letting myself enjoy it....cautiously. Especially the mystery man on the motorcycle who twisted around so far on his bike to stare at me in a dress, that I thought he might crash. Without even knowing his identity, he made me feel beautiful.

I've also set my sights on yet another career change. I enjoy my work as a truck driver and snow-plow operator, but not for the same reasons men enjoy that kind of work. Men seem to get a feeling of macho empowerment from operating heavy equipment. I just like being alone with my thoughts and the radio, while I travel from one point to the next. It's peaceful to me. But there is little room in that life for my feminine self, my true self, so I am working toward a new goal and when it starts to pay, I will put away my CDL and move on......

To the life I am dressing for......